Recognising Relationship Red Flags

When couples first walk through my door, they often describe feeling stuck in cycles of conflict that seem impossible to break. They love each other deeply, yet somehow their conversations spiral into hurt, frustration, and disconnection. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone, and more importantly, there's hope.

Renowned relationship researchers Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman have spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive and what causes them to fail. Through their extensive research, they identified four particularly destructive communication patterns that they called "The four horsemen of the apocalypse"; a reference that speaks to how damaging these patterns can be to relationships. Understanding these patterns is the first step towards transforming your relationship communication.

The First Horseman: Criticism

Criticism goes far beyond expressing a complaint or concern about your partners behaviour. When we criticise, we attack our partner's character rather than addressing a specific issue. It's the difference between saying "I felt hurt when you didn't call to say you'd be late" versus "You're so inconsiderate - you never think about how your actions affect me."

This pattern often emerges when couples haven't learnt how to express their needs effectively. Perhaps you've tried gentle approaches before, only to feel unheard or dismissed. Criticism can feel like the louder voice that might finally get through. However, what actually happens is that your partner's defences activate, making them less likely to hear your underlying need.

In my practice, I often see couples caught in this pattern without realising it. They're expressing genuine concerns, but the way they're communicating creates more distance rather than connection. Learning to separate behaviour from character, and to express needs without blame, transforms these interactions entirely.

The Second Horseman: Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most toxic of the four horsemen, involving expressions of superiority, disgust, or moral indignation towards your partner. It shows up through sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, or hostile humour. When contempt enters a relationship, it creates an atmosphere of disrespect that erodes the foundation of love and admiration couples once shared.

This destructive pattern often develops gradually. Maybe you've noticed yourself thinking "I can't believe they said that" or feeling frustrated by what seems like your partner's obvious shortcomings. These feelings can lead to expressions of contempt that communicate, "I'm better than you" or "What's wrong with you?"

Contempt is particularly damaging because it attacks your partner's sense of self within the relationship. It's impossible to feel safe and loved when facing contempt, and it often triggers defensive responses that further escalate conflict. Partners experiencing contempt report feeling diminished, hurt, and eventually, emotionally distant from their relationship.

The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

Defensiveness typically emerges as a natural response to criticism or contempt. When we feel attacked, our instinct is to protect ourselves by deflecting responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking. Whilst defensiveness feels protective in the moment, it actually escalates conflict by failing to acknowledge any part of the issue and often shifting blame back onto the other partner.

Common defensive responses include phrases like "It's not my fault," "You always..." or "Well, what about when you..." These responses, whilst understandable, prevent couples from moving towards resolution because they keep the focus on who's right rather than understanding each other's perspectives.

Many couples I work with are surprised to discover how defensive they've become, often as a result of feeling constantly criticised or misunderstood. Defensiveness creates a cycle where both partners end up feeling unheard and invalidated, making it increasingly difficult to address the real issues beneath their conflicts.

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction entirely. This might look like the silent treatment, physically leaving the room, or emotionally shutting down during conversations. The stonewalling partner often feels overwhelmed, flooded with emotion, or convinced that nothing they say will make a difference.

This pattern can be particularly confusing and painful for the non-stonewalling partner, who may interpret the withdrawal as rejection, lack of caring, or punishment. However, stonewalling is often a protective response to feeling overwhelmed rather than a deliberate attempt to harm the relationship.

In my experience, stonewalling frequently develops when couples haven't learnt how to manage intense emotions during conflict or when previous attempts at communication have felt futile. The withdrawing partner may believe they're preventing further damage, but the effect is often increased distance and frustration for both people.

Breaking Free from the Four Horsemen

The presence of these communication patterns doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, recognising them is the first crucial step towards change. The Gottmans' research shows that couples can learn to replace these destructive patterns with healthier communication skills.

This transformation involves learning to express complaints without criticism, building appreciation and fondness to counter contempt, taking responsibility rather than becoming defensive, and developing tools to manage emotional flooding that leads to stonewalling.

However, changing ingrained communication patterns isn't simple. These behaviours often serve protective functions, and they're typically triggered during times of stress, hurt, or vulnerability; exactly when it's hardest to remember new skills. This is where professional support becomes invaluable.

The Path Forward

As a counsellor specialising in relationship dynamics, I work with couples to identify which of the four horsemen have crept into their relationship and develop personalised strategies for change. Through my holistic approach that draws on my training in counselling, kinesiology, and aromatherapy, we address not just the communication patterns themselves, but the underlying stress, emotions, and physical responses that trigger them.

Every couple's journey is unique, but the destination is the same: relationships characterised by mutual respect, understanding, and genuine connection. If you recognise your relationship in these patterns, know that change is possible. With the right support and commitment from both partners, couples can transform their communication and rediscover the love and friendship that brought them together.

Your relationship deserves the chance to flourish. Sometimes, it just needs the right guidance to show you the way forward.

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